My Own Worst Critic

In September 2007, I took a new job as a web programmer. It was an exciting position, one full of opportunities to grow as a computer professional. It also came with a good increase in salary. I felt as though God had opened this door to me, and that he was molding my future. Three and a half months went by, and I felt as though things were going well. The people were all very nice, and I was learning new things and taking on more responsibilities. Yet it was not to be, for on the day after Christmas (four years ago exactly from the day of this entry, oddly enough), my employment there was terminated, effective immediately. I was given severence pay for the rest of the year (less than a week), told that I wasn't the right fit for the position, and sent on my way. I packed up my desk and went out to my car, and then did something I had not done for a good five years: I cried. It was not due to a fear of our financial situation. It was not due to a fear of a long, fruitless job search. No, it was due to something else entirely, something incalculable. It was a sense of failure. I had somehow not lived up to the company's expectations. God had granted me an opportunity, and I had blown it.

I am my own worst critic. I hate it when I fail or make mistakes. It's usually not about what I lost by failing (like the job), but it's the fact that I failed. The truth is the same whether an occupation, a task, a game, or anything else in life. I hold myself up to a high standard, and when I fail that standard, I hate myself for it.

The same is true concerning sin, for sin is simply missing the mark. It is falling short of the standard that God placed on our lives. It is failing Him. Sin is not always out of an evil heart, but out of a weak one. We try to be perfect, and yet we are merely human, and perfection is unobtainable. Sin is before us, and we can live our lives in such a way as to avoid it on many occasions, but not on every occasion. Sometimes, we trip and fall, for we lack the strength to endure at every moment.

I have many failures in my past, many times where I gave into sin, though I should have known better. Times when sin was before me, and I knew the wiser path, yet I chose to follow the foolish route. I looked into the eyes of sin, knowing the truth of it. I took the apple from the tree, knowing it to be forbidden, yet I sunk my teeth into it anyway. My eyes saw things it should not see, and I knew I could turn away, yet I chose to look on. I am a fool, and nothing more, and that will not change until the day I die.

This is a truth of the human existence. Yet I must remind myself of another, greater truth: God is not a critic. God will not condemn you for your failures, if you accept His love and His sacrifice. The love of God is eternal and knows not sin, for your sin is gone, washed away by the blood of Christ on the cross. God sees you for what you are: his child, his love, his beautiful creation. Your failures are gone. You may fail this day and the next, and every day onward, yet these things are not what God sees in you. You are loved, and no amount of failures can stop the unconditional, incomprehensible love of an unfathomable God. Do not hold on to your shortcomings, for God has already forgotten them, and when eternity comes, the mountains of failures will be lost, and Heaven will welcome you then as God already sees you now: a perfect, faultless, beautiful child of God.

The One About Sex

We all have different preferences in this life. I dislike fruit, spinning amusement park rides, slow drivers and the Yankees. These are things I have opinions on for personal reasons, yet there is no moral ground for such preferences. Such things make up our individual personalities and can be defined according to our choosing, and no one can judge us for those choices, as they are for us to decide. God does not care if my favorite color is green or black, nor does he care which of the Lord of the Rings movie is my favorite. Preferences make for interesting debates, but in the end, there is no wrong and no right.

Yet there are certain things I believe in, not because I necessarily prefer them, but because I truly believe it to be absolute, unquestionable truth. These are not preferences, but principles. I have made such decisions because God has decreed that certain behaviors are immoral, and certain lifestyles are sinful. These are decisions I have made based on truth and principle, not on preference.

The main example of this is sexual purity. In a world where people are becoming sexually experienced at younger and younger ages, God still wants us to remain pure. I decided quite young in life that I wanted to follow God’s teaching and not the world’s teasing. During my maturing years, when many of my classmates were likely losing their virginity, it was never even an option in my mind, for the choice had been made many years prior. This was due to principle, not due to preference, because while I know that God wants us to remain pure, I can guarantee you that my physical body did not have the same opinion. I can guarantee you that, if I had not made that decision years earlier, I would have lost my virginity at a much younger age. Instead, I started dating a girl when I was twenty years old, and we were married six days after my twenty-fourth birthday. It was made clear very early in our dating relationship that sex was not an option for us until marriage, and we stayed true to that. Once again, this was due to principle and not to preference. Now that we have been married over five years, I know it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. For I turned sex into a matter of principle and not preference, for God desires each of us to be pure.

Now that I have made it to marriage with my sexual purity intact, step two is to keep myself devoted to my wife. The same is true now as it was in my earlier life: it is my principles that keep me from straying. I love my wife more than she could know, and I would never do anything to hurt her or our relationship. God has made marriage a sacred bond that should never be desecrated with adultery. Yet I know that men and women cheat on their spouses every day. It seems almost commonplace, for most people know of someone whose marriage has fallen apart due to unfaithfulness. Hollywood marriages implode constantly due to such affairs. Why do we make such lifelong commitments, only to choose to break them? It is because, in today’s world, marriage is simply a current status and not a commitment, and staying in a marriage is seen as a preference. I choose to love you today, but tomorrow, I may choose to love someone else. This is not what God wants for our marriages. While it is certainly my preference to be with my wife and to stay faithful, the main driving force in that faithfulness is the principle of Godly marriage. It has never and will never be an option to break our marriage covenant, because the decision was made long ago to stay true to one another in our marriage, and to always love one another, even if we don’t always like one another. Adultery is the preference of the world, while marital faithfulness is the principle of God and his people.

The same can be true of sexual impurity of other kinds, as almost all of us, and likely all of us, are guilty of committing adultery in our hearts. I have never been to any sort of strip club, nor will I ever. (I admittedly went to a Hooters once in college, but that was for the purpose of getting free food, and I tried my very best to stare intently at the chicken wings the entire time.) When I have been asked in the past about strip clubs, and I have said that I had never been to one, people have asked it if it was because I was homosexual, as though that would be the only possible explanation for such a thing. Instead, it is due to principles that I have never gone to such a place. For, as a very heterosexual man, it is not due to a lack of desire to see naked woman that I do not go to strip clubs. No, it is due to the principle that God has placed within me. I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look upon a woman lustfully, as I wish to follow God’s principles and not the world’s preferences. While I have faltered on this covenant before, and more often than I would like to admit, with roaming eyes and struggles with pornography in my younger years, it is the principles of God that keep me from becoming just like the worldly man. I will have eyes only for my wife, because this is what God has decreed to be righteous.

We each have decisions to make in our lives, yet the question is this: what do we make those decisions based on? Do we decide things based on what we want? Are our choices driven by our preferences? Or are we making decisions based on the absolute truth of God? Are we living the way God wants us to live, or the way we want to live? If we live solely based on our own desires, we will go down dark paths that lead only to death. Instead, let us live our lives based on the principles of God’s word, for His wisdom far outshines our own. Let him guide you in this life, for there is no greater way to live than with God to light your path.

Burning of the Sins

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
- Romans 5:8

Every so often, I have the opportunity to participate in something called the Burning of the Sins. It involves taking some paper and writing your sins and shortcomings, pouring your heart out to God. You then take those sins and burn them in a fire at the foot of the cross, symbolizing the forgiveness of sins that came from the sacrifice of Calvary. It is quite a solemn event, full of self-reflection and thankfulness.

One such event, a few years back, I was in charge of creating the fire. Before the rest of the group came out, I had the fire going, and it was just me, and the fire, and the cross. I took the paper out of my pocket, on which I had written things I wish I had never done. I wrote things that I hated myself for, things I wish I could take back. I described parts of myself that felt beyond repair. I stood there and prayed for God’s forgiveness and His grace, though I knew I already had both. I then dropped the paper into the fire and watched in burn up, for that is what happens to our sins when we place them at Christ’s feet. It was truly a moment with just me and God, and one that will stick with me for the rest of my life.

At these events, immediately preceding the Burning of the Sins is the Stations of the Cross. We see the last few hours unfold before Jesus’ crucifixion. We see him struggle under the weight of the cross, and we hear the pounding of the nails into His hands. We know what is going to happen, yet it brings so many questions to mind. Why would God send his son to die for me? Why would Jesus endure such torment to save someone like me? Did He not know all the sins of my life, all the terrible crimes I’ve committed against Him? Surely He read that piece of paper before I burned it at His feet. He knows all that I have done, and yet He still chose to endure the agony of crucifixion? What would drive Him to do this?

The answer to these questions is both quite simple and immensely incomprehensible. The answer is love. He loved us, each and every one of us, so much, that He chose to give His own son as a sacrifice in our place. The blood of Christ on the cross paid the price for our sins. It covered each sin that each one of us has ever and will ever commit. As humans, we cannot fully understand that level of love. For He is God, and we are so small, as numerous as sand on the seashore. Yet He loves us more than we can know, for He is our creator, and He knew each of us by name before He breathed the world into being.

Thank you, Lord, for what you have done for me. Thank you for your love, and your grace, and your forgiveness. I know that when you look at me, you do not see those things that I wrote down, those terrible sins, for they are no more. They have been burned and covered with your blood. Thank you for salvation. Thank you for the eternal life that awaits me once this life is done. I can do nothing to earn back what you have done for me, but I give you all that I can, and all that I am. Thank you, Lord. I love you. Amen.

Our True Home

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
– C. S. Lewis

There is a simple truth that the world does not understand, for it cannot fathom an existence outside of itself. It sees the boundaries of this universe and this life as the limits of our existence. It sees birth as the only beginning, and death as the only end.

Yet as Christ followers, we must not allow ourselves to be overtaken by the thoughts of this world, for it is run by the wisdom of men, which is limited and foolish. No, we must understand this simple truth, and we must apply it to every facet of our lives.

The truth is this: Earth is not our home, and these bodies are not our true existence. God knew each of us by name before he breathed the world into being. God made us in His image, and we are His children, and citizens of His kingdom. This Earth is simply a temporary home for our physical bodies, and we cannot become so caught up in its ways to forget that our true home is much greater. Once our life in this world has come to an end, we will return to our true home, leaving these bodies behind, where God will grant us new bodies in Heaven.

So do not view this world as your home, and do not allow yourself to become part of the world. We are the children of God, sent to be in the world, but not of the world. We must not see things as the world sees them, living for today, disregarding the eternity to come. The world is empty and hollow, for it fills itself with possessions and pleasure. These are things with a thirst that will never be quenched, for the things of this world will never satisfy. We must set our eyes upon the only true source, the one living God, looking forward to the day when we will return home.

The Reason for Holiness

The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.
- Brennan Manning

As followers of Christ, we should be living our lives in purity and holiness, not straying into the sinful ways of the world. Indeed, we are all sinners, yet we should be holding ourselves up to Godly standards. The world is a dark place, full of seductive temptations that threaten to pull us in and take us over, yet our foundation should be in the hands of our creator, so that when the world comes calling, we can stand on the foundation of Christ and not be overtaken.

Yet, why does it matter? The Bible teaches that we are all sinners, and that none of us is righteous, not even one. Are we risking our salvation by living in sin? No, though one may need to question whether he or she was ever truly saved, should they decide to depart so greatly from the teachings they once clung to. Yet, once salvation is truly secured, sin can no longer separate you from the eternity to come in Heaven. Scripture does say that those who follow God’s commandments will have a richer life, and a closer walk with Him, yet if we all end up in the same Heaven, what was truly gained? For this life is only measured in years, while the next life is incalculable.

While we should certainly seek a closer, more intimate relationship with God, I believe that the most important reason to live a life of holiness has very little to do with the quality of one’s own life. Indeed, if I live according to the commandments, my life will be blessed, yet a longer, more profitable life is not the point. Here is the point, which is twofold: first, as the quote at the top of this entry says, a Christ follower living a hypocritical life of sin will only drive away those who are unbelievers. We preach holiness and purity, yet if we do not follow our own teachings, how does that look to the unbelieving world? We look like fools, saying one thing, yet doing another. Why would anyone seek the church and a relationship with God, if all they see are believers who are hypocrites?

The second part is this: a person living a Godly life, following His commandments, becomes a stronger, more able tool for the Kingdom. God will be more able and more likely to use such people to spread His message, for their lives are not weighed down by sin. The effect on the unbelieving world will be greater for those that live a Christ-centered, holy life, and I believe this to be the greatest reason for righteous living. Our lives on this Earth should not be centered around prosperity, but around our savior, Jesus Christ, and the message of salvation that He has given us. We should seek to spread that good news to the ends of the Earth, for all else will fade. There will come a day when the world has run out of chances to accept Jesus, and those who have rejected Him will be sent away into the fire. I would give my life to save the eternity of just one person, and we may be able to help others come to Christ simply by the way we live.

So do not give into the temptations of the world, not for yourself, but for the unbelievers, so that you may be the tool that God will use to bring them back to Him. For if they look at you and do not see the light of God in your actions, they may shake their head and turn away, and be forever lost.

The Ultimate Dunking Machine

It was a warm day in the summer of 1992, when two boys in southern Ohio set their sights higher than they ever had before. No, it was not greatness, nor wealth, nor power, but a height they saw as just as lofty. All they needed was a little boost.

I was ten years old, playing basketball with David, my fifteen-year-old brother. We, along with our father and other members of our family, would often play Pig, for I never played the variety known as Horse until I later moved to Minnesota. I was not terribly successful in our competitions, yet I always enjoyed them.

One day, however, the simplicity of Pig was not enough to quench our growing imaginations. The basketball hoop in our driveway was teen feet tall, and I had not yet grown enough even to come close to touching the net. My brother could almost touch the net, and could use a chair to reach that height. We then had a flash of insight, one that we knew to be the perfect plan. It was a plan that would bring us closer to the rim, up to and above it, granting us the ability to dunk the ball through the hoop, as every young basketball fan dreams of. It was a plan that we would have never been able to do, had our parents been home at the time.

In the back of our house, underneath the deck, there were several blocks of wood, four inches square, with many a foot in length. We stacked them underneath the hoop in strategic positions, for it was not enough for us to simply jump from blocks of wood, for that would not have allowed us to achieve our goal. No, we needed something more; something with more height. Something with bounce.

The bounce came from a small trampoline we had in the garage. We placed it upon the blocks, then stepped back and admired our creation. It was the ultimate dunking machine. We knew it would work, for it was so simple.

David volunteered to test it first. I recall that moment, for a thought ran through my mind: the structure isn’t stable. Yet, I knew it would work out, for we had built it well. It was a masterful construction, using several blocks of inconsistent lengths to hold a foot-high trampoline. What could go wrong?

We soon found out. David started from the far corner of the driveway and ran toward the structure, leaping through the air, and landing firmly with his foot on the trampoline.

At that moment, we both realized something. We may have been kids with dreams; we were not, however, architects. As David landed, the structure collapsed, and the basketball went flying into our neighbor’s yard. He landed hard on the cement, and seemed to be in a daze for a few seconds, unsure of what had just happened. I, on the other hand, as almost any brother would, burst out laughing. While our attempt at rising high had failed, there’s just something about sibling rivalry that makes you laugh at such failure.

Within a few moments, however, the truth was revealed. My brother had fractured his wrist. Within minutes, he was in our neighbor’s car, heading for the hospital. I stayed home and disassembled our ultimate dunking machine. I informed my parents of the broken arm upon their arrival home, though I did not tell them the full story.

Now, many years later, this story makes me smile. I smile at remembering our older brother, Erik, laughing when he first heard the news. I smile at the fact that, several years later, I caved and told my parents the full story. I smile at how foolish we were, despite thinking our plan to be infallible.

While I can look back at the story and smile, I know each one of us still does things like this, even as adults. We try to reach for great heights, despite having an unstable foundation. We reach for things that we should not reach for, and put ourselves in danger by relying on our own intellect and wisdom.

In Genesis 11, the Bible teaches of the Tower of Babel, a structure that men built to reach into the heights of Heaven. While there were other reasons God did not want them building such a structure, it was not built for the right reasons. Men built it to flaunt their power and abilities. Eventually, God intervened, halting the tower’s production and scattering those men to the ends of the earth.

I believe we each have such towers in our lives. We have things that we trust to no one else, not even God. We rely on only ourselves for certain things. We attempt to better ourselves without giving that part of ourselves to God. Just like the two boys, on a warm day in southern Ohio, we build pieces into our lives using our own human wisdom, for we cannot fathom anyone else understanding things as we do. Yet, our plans then crumble, for they were not built on a firm foundation, for only God provides us with true stability. It is not through our own strength that we will find success, but through the wisdom that comes from loving, knowing, and trusting God.

As humans, we all need to take a step back from ourselves. Through prayer, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the examination of ourselves, we can find those areas where we have reliance on our own strength, and through God, we can begin to hand over such things to Him. We may look at our own wisdom and believe it to be perfect, yet, when we do that, we forget that we are equipped with finite, flawed minds. To rely on such a thing is folly. We are foolish if we believe ourselves more capable that God, for our own plans will crumble and collapse, while the hopes of those who rely on God are unshaken.

Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the LORD. That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. They will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

- Jeremiah 17: 5-8

Flawed

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
- 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

I am aware of a wide variety of personal flaws in my life, yet many of them are interconnected and have the same source. I certainly am flawed in other ways that are unrelated, some of which have been described in a previous entry.

I have found that the source for many of the issues I struggle with is this: and definite lack of self-confidence. It seems like such a minor thing, and yet it infiltrates many fragments of my life. I believe the issue to be strictly self-confidence and not self-esteem, for I do not question my worth, for I know I have great value in God's eyes. No, I am instead constantly questioning what I am capable of. I find myself often doubting my competence and intelligence, leading me to fail at things I may otherwise succeed at.

I believe the root of this issue to be my grade school years. When I was younger, specifically in my fourth to eighth grade years, I was picked on profusely at school. It was everyday, and it was brutal. I remember coming home crying on occassions, telling my parents that I never wanted to go back to school again. I was told by many people to simply ignore it, and the bullies would stop. I tried, yet the bullying never ceased. Everything I did was mocked. I began to believe that I couldn't do anything right. I doubted my every move. This had several repurcussions that I am still struggling with today.

It made me hide in my comfort zone. I began to blend into the background, for only there did I feel safe. In your comfort zone, you do not risk failure, and you do not expose your flaws. As an adult, I have begun to realize how much I hate allowing my weaknesses to show. I do not like appearing vulnerable. When my weaknesses are exposed, I open myself up to ridicule. I still have issues staying in my comfort zone today, for it is there I feel safe. For instance, I get very nervous talking in front of people. If I know I am going to be up in front of a group, I allow myself to become quite nervous about it for some time before it, dreading it, for I do not want to get up there and fail. When I do stumble on my words or appear noticeably nervous, it is due to the fear I have built up inside myself. I have built up that fear due to doubting my own abilities. I doubt my own abilities because I have failed before, and I do not want to appear weak. I hide in my comfort zone and often do not step out from it, for I do not have confidence in myself to succeed outside of that comfort zone.

The other major repurcussion is that it made me build up emotional walls. I put myself in an emotional shell to protect myself. I stopped caring what people said about me. I made my emotions inpenetrable. I would no longer let myself be hurt by the words of bullies. On one hand, this allowed me to repel insults. I could (and still often do) make fun of myself. This has led to my overuse of sarcasm. That being said, this also led me to put other people at a distance. If they're not close to me, they can't hurt me. I put my emotions in a safe and did not allow anyone access to it. This means that I have not allowed myself to be as good or as close a friend as I should have been with some people. I have often not been as emotionally available to friends when they needed it. There have been stretches of years where I have not cried. (I mean really crying, not just getting "teary-eyed.") Even now, I believe I have not cried in three or four years.

It also caused me to become what some people may describe as a "pushover." I often do not interject my opinion into things and am rarely assertive, and I usually let other people have their way. I do not enjoy debates or heated discussions where other people have different opinions than I do. I do not like people thinking less of me because of my opinion, so I often keep it to myself.

I rather enjoy writing and believe I may have some ability in it, yet there have been times in the past when I have gone stretches without writing, because I doubted my ability in it. I doubted whether anything would ever come of it. I doubted if I had the talent to make it worthwhile. I had no confidence in myself, and why would I work so much on something, when I had no confidence in its ability to succeed?

I do not want to be seen as a failure. I do not want to appear incompetent. So I do not allow myself certain opportunities, because I do not want to allow myself to fail, and I do not want to have people look down at me because of it. I stay in my comfot zone and do not let people too close, for in my comfort zone, I will not fail, and if I keep myself in an emotional shell, I will not let people close enough to see my weaknesses. I try to remove all possible vulnerabilites from my life, for I do not want them to be exploited. I do not want to be looked upon as weak, or as a failure.

At the end, there is a reason I am sharing this. God has granted me the opportunities and the strength to step out of my comfort zone more in the past couple years. I have done things that, only a few years ago, I would never have done. I have much more room for improvement, yet I believe that God will continue to work in me, and that plan will be fully carried out in my life.

We all have our own weaknesses and faults. We all have limitations that are holding us back in some way. Perhaps only we realize them, or perhaps everyone but us realizes them. The truth is that God knows and understands our weaknesses, and yet loves us and uses us anyway. He has great plans for each of us, and those plans will succeed despite our weaknesses. We must not allow our own fear and our own faults to limit what God can do in our lives. It's not really about the weaknesses themselves, it's about admitting that we are weak, and that only by placing our full trust in God can we truly become the people He made us to be.